Attending a Japanese Funeral

While things like “cool biz” are circulating in Japan now, the funeral dress code is still very strict.

For men

• A black suit, black shoes, and a black tie. Black ties can be found easily at convenience stores, so there’s no excuse for not having one.

• A small black bag is acceptable, but no messenger bags, or other purses that hang off the shoulder.

• No jewelry or watches save for wedding rings.

• No necktie pins.

• No cologne.

For women 

• Colorful nails are not acceptable. While light pink, or beige nails are fine, but anything else should either be removed, or covered with gloves. If you have gel nails, they can be painted over the day of the ceremony with regular polish. Afterwards, a little polish remover will leave your gel manicure intact.

• As with men, a small black bag is acceptable, but no messenger bags, or other purses that hang off the shoulder.

• Showing a lot of skin is not acceptable, so women are expected to wear black or nude-colored stockings.

• A plain-colored dress or suit. Black is the best, but navy or gray are also acceptable.

• A pearl necklace and wedding rings are considered the only acceptable jewelry.

• Hair should be tied back in a bun, ponytail, or other simple style if long.

• Skirts below the knee, ideally when standing and kneeling.

• No fur coats or anything else that brings “killing” to mind.

• No perfume.

The Wake

Guests will arrive, greet the family, and offer their kouden. 

There will be a ceremony where a priest will chant a sutra, while the family, then the mourners, performs a ritual called oshoukou. Those waiting their turn will typically hold a specific position called gasshou.

合掌 Gasshou

Gasshou means “pressing ones hands together in prayer.” There are several different ways to do it properly, but here is the most common:

Hands should be close to, but not touching the chest.

There should be no space between the fingers.

Hands should be rotated about 45 degrees.

Head should be tilted slightly forward.

Eyes should be closed.

You’ll see people doing this at several points during the ceremony.

お焼香 Oshoukou

You’ll be expected to pay respects in a ritual that involves incense called お焼香 (oshoukou). In some cases the incense might be handed around, but it’s more common to go up to the altar one by one.

Incense

There are two types of incense used at Japanese funerals, makko (incense powder) and senko (incense sticks).  Most funerals in Japan are Buddhist, but among Buddhism there are different sects and therefore different ways of handling the incense. For example, in Shin Buddhism, it’s not customary to touch incense powder to the forehead, unlike some other sects. In general, follow what the people before you do, but here is a general process. This may be done standing or sitting depending on the sect.

抹香 Makko

1. Bow in front of the altar. 

2. Hold prayer beads in left hand. 

3. Take a small amount of incense powder in the right hand, and touch the incense powder to the forehead.

4. Replace the powder in the tray.

5. Gasshou

6. Bow to the family, and sit down.

線香 Senko

1. Bow in front of the altar. 

2. Hold prayer beads in left hand. 

3. Light the incense with a candle (generally just 1).

4. Stand the incense in the incense burner.

5. Put out the candle by waving your hand. NOT blowing.

6. Gasshou

7. Bow to the family, and sit down.

通夜 Tsuuya

After this comes the tsuuya, or night’s vigil. This is traditionally for immediate family, but it’s been getting more common for friends to attend as well. The mourners will have a meal and share stories about the deceased. Traditionally it lasted all night, everyone ensuring the incense didn’t stop burning, but these days it’s common for it to only last an hour or so.

お葬式 (osoushiki) Funeral Service

This is the actual funeral. Guests who didn’t attend the tsuuya offer their koden here. The oshouko process is repeated, and then the coffin is taken to the crematorium. After a meal, the mourners return to the bones left from the body. Using special chopsticks, everyone helps transfer the bones to a pot.

To see what the whole process looks like here is a useful video.

Message

If you can’t attend a funeral, it’s important to avoid offending the family when giving your reasons, and expressing sympathies. Do not give a lengthy explanation, or anything too specific. It’s better to say “Unfortunately, I am not able to attend” than “I have a wedding to go to.”

Here is a polite way to say you’re unable to attend a funeral (both the Tsuuya and the ceremony) 

申し訳ございませんが、あいにくやむを得ない事情がありまして、参列できません

I’m terribly sorry, but due to impossible to avoid circumstances, I will be unable to attend.

Flowers

Flowers are not necessary or traditional to send to the family, but it can be appropriate to send flowers if you’re very close, or blood related to the immediate family. It’s safest to send flowers through the funeral home, as there are acceptable and unacceptable flowers.

• They should be sent after the family has had time to grieve, within 49 days after the memorial service.

• Flowers with flashy colors, like red or orange, are not acceptable. They should usually be white, light pink, or other calming colors.

• Flowers with thorns are not acceptable.

• Basket arrangements are generally around 5,000 to 15,000 yen. Stand arrangements are 8,000 to 25,000 yen.

• If you want to send flowers that can be used at the service, before you do, confirm with the family to make sure there’s enough room.

• The types of flowers sent will differ depending on religion. For Buddhism, usually chrysanthemums, lilies, orchids, or carnations. 

• If you cannot get a goreizen envelope, it’s better to not give money at all. Do not use an envelope other than the goreizen envelope.

• Customs will differ by Buddhist sect, so in general, watch the people around you and imitate them to ensure you’re doing everything properly.

• It’s better not to speak to the grieving family after the initial greeting.

• Goshuushou-sama desu (ご愁傷様です) is a good, general phrase to learn that means “my condolences.” 

• Guests are generally offered small gifts in return for their kouden.

• If you cannot attend the funeral but were invited, let the family know. 

If you’d like to be extra polite, you can wrap your kouden in a fukusa, or a small cloth.

Fukusa for funerals should be green, gray, purple, or other cool colors. There’s also a specific way to fold it.